I don't belong anywhere...that is how i felt ever since i was a child. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that we traveled a lot and didn't stay in any place for long. I went to about 7 different schools till tenth grade. I was always the new kid in the class and just as i was beginning to settle down and getting accepted in friends groups, we would move again. But all this moving around and changing schools helped me build social skills that have helped me till today. It helped me to get to know different people and different cultures... i got to see different landscapes too.
But everywhere I went, I was a stranger...the new kid on the block...the outsider. Being alone and not belonging to any group made me stronger because everyone can feel safe in a pack....but then you loose your individuality in a pack...you become a sheep... it is harder to face things on your own...and be your own person.
I never learnt my native languages till I was in 4th or 5th grade. My mother's family spoke one language and my father's family spoke another...so we learnt Urdu first then English and then Pashtu and Saraiki.
When i was at my mother's house I was called a Khajikzai and when I was at my father's family, I was called a Gandapur.
I could not speak any of the languages very well...when I went to my Nana's house, they told me to speak Pushto and my pushto was not good enough for them...when I went to my dada's house, they would say that their jaws ached from speaking all the Urdu with me, because I couldn't speak Saraiki well enough. For Khajizais, I was more like a Gandapur and for Gandapurs, I was more like a Khajikzai....that is how it went on in my family. My grandfather jokingly called me a Mohajir form UP, because I spoke Urdu.
Both my parents were the eldest in their family and I was their eldest daughter, so I was loved by all. But when I went to my hometown for vacation, I always felt like an outsider... no matter how much I wanted to fit in.
The same story went on else where in schools as well. When I was in Islamabad... I was the Pashtun girl and when I was in Peshawar... I was not Pashtun enough, because my Pashto wasn't great. In school and colleges, I was constantly reminded of what I was... or was not.
My father always taught me that when ever anyone asks you ,who you are, just say, " I am a Pakistani" and that should shut them up. But that didn't help much, because the next question would be... but from where in Pakistan?
Anyway... then we came abroad and have been living here for a while... Pakistanis here thought we were not Pakistani enough, because we spoke English and interacted with Americans and made local friends as well...I let my children play with our neighbors and their school friends...some Pakistanis don't even let their kids interact with American kids! So to them we were not Pakistani enough.... The Americans identified us as Pakistanis....We are moderate and modest Muslims, but not Wahabis... so the Arabs thought we are not Muslim enough but the others living in USA know us as a Muslim family...
After 9/11 we were definitely the Muslim family from Pakistan...we had to constantly defend our faith and our country. We took it upon ourselves to educate the locals about our Faith and our culture...we tried to get rid of some misconceptions they had about our faith. I feel bad that my kids had to grow up in this environment where Muslims were labelled as the bad guys and we had to be on the defensive.
While doing that we were still not good enough Muslims for some local Pakistanis...because we didn't dress like Arabs and my kids couldn't speak Urdu very well....and I didn't wear a hijab. But if I wear a hijab, then am I a good Muslim no matter what i do in my real life? Isn't that a hypocrisy? We are judged by our appearances and not our deeds. My Pakistani family calls my kids and me Angrez but in America I am a Pakistani Muslim...we call ourselves "Desi" while living in "Pardes".
So who am i? A Pashtun, a Pakistani, a Desi, a Pardesi, an Angrez or a Muslim???
I am everybody and nobody!
I am a contradiction... an American Muslim...a Pakistani Angrez...a non Pashto speaking Pashtun....a non Sariki speaking Derawal and a Desi Pardesi............i am me.......i can identify with all the labels and maybe because of that i have empathy and i can see things form other people's perspective... because i am always the other one.... the one that doesn't belong anywhere.
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